I Just Can't Let You Go
by betterthanfiction
Summary: Sometimes your favorite memories can be twisted to become your worst nightmares.


I am positive that I am dreaming. I know this because it's a recurring nightmare I've been having for the past few weeks or so. No matter what I try doing, however, I cannot do anything to change the story's course.

I also realize that my room is clean. Well, it's not spotless, but it's as clean as a teenage boy's room can be.

And Julia is here.

She is just as gorgeous as I remember her. Hell, maybe my imagination makes her seem even more beautiful. Maybe that's just me trying to find a good excuse for why I'm happy she's here, almost as I happy as I am when I am in Clare's presence. It's frightening, how my infatuation with Julia seems to have barely subsided since the day she died.

We are sitting on my bed with me; she smiles as I push a strand of hair out of her face, which ties my stomach in a knot.

"Eli…" she whispers.

"Yes?" I answer, leaning in closer, nuzzling my face in her neck.

"I…I love you."

She has said that phrase many times, but never in such a manner. I know there is a different meaning behind those words this time. My heart is racing, when I come to this conclusion.

"I love you, too," I finally say. She lets out a chuckle as I smirk at her.

I lean in to kiss her soft lips, and she easily gives in. My tongue probes her mouth and explores every inch. We battle for dominance, both equally powerful. My fingers tingle with excitement as they run through her hair. My body is on fire.

I feel her lips form into a smile as I hoist her onto my lap. She grabs my face and I hope she isn't able to feel my cheeks warm up at her touch. I don't want this to end, and the part of me that knows I am dreaming hates it.

I gently coax her backwards so she is lying on my bed and I am on top of her. I move my lips away from hers so I am kissing her jawline. After a minute or so, I move down to her neck, gently sucking and biting it, which makes her moan. It's music to my dream personality's ears, which alarms me.

"Eli?" she asks after a while.

I don't answer at first. This moment is too enjoyable to waste by talking.

"Eli," she says, more sternly this time. I reluctantly lift my head and look down at her. Her eyes, which are nowhere near as beautiful as Clare's, stare directly into mine, and I know she is serious about whatever she has to tell me.

"I just really love you," she says. I smile at her and kiss her on the mouth. When I retreat, she looks at me.

"And I want you to take me."

I look at her, shocked. My real self realizes that this is a flashback to the first time Julia and I had sex. It's a memory that I would rather not admit that sometimes enjoy reliving.

Before I know it, she is taking my shirt off, and my lips instantly move to her neck once again. My hands travel up her shirt and unsnap her bra. My hands travel to her breasts and they slowly caress them. Soon afterwards, she unbuckles my belt and whips it off. Her free hand is now on my crotch, which is feeling particularly hard. My lips leave her neck and travel to her earlobe. She shivers at the sensation.

This is when the pleasant memory of a dream turns into a nightmare, I know it. I've dreamt of this so many times. I try telling myself to stop before it's too late; I try telling this alter-ego of me to tell Julia that Clare is my girlfriend now and that I am completely head over heels for her. But I can't, and I wish that I had read that book about lucid dreaming before I went to bed, because I am truly regretting it now.

"Eli…?" says a quiet voice, coming from the doorway to my room. I instantly sit up and turn my head towards the voice, knowing exactly who it came from. Clare is looking at me, teary-eyed, and I can feel my heart shattering. Words can't describe the range of emotions I was feeling simply because she was crying.

"Eli, who is she?" asks a confused Julia. I know she is furious with me now, and it sucks that I still care about what she thinks of me. It sucks that I still want her to love me. It sucks that there is a small part of me that will always love _her_.

Clare has already left the doorway and I hear her frantic footsteps running out of my house. "Clare, wait!" I yell. I run after her, leaving Julia alone in my room. I catch up to her quickly and grab her arm.

"Clare, please listen to me!" I beg. There are tears in my eyes. I know she is going to leave me, but I still hope that the dream will change and she will forgive me.

It doesn't.

She is still crying, and between her sobs, she chokes, "No, Eli, you listen to me. I am tired of having to compete with someone who is no longer here. I hate knowing that you will never be truly committed to me. Just leave me alone." She pulls her arm from my grasp and runs out of the house, slamming the door behind her. I sigh, I can feel my throat closing and my tears leave warm and sticky trails on my cheeks.

I walk into my room, and it is now the mess I've grown accustomed to living in. Julia is gone. I am completely alone.

* * *

I wake with a start as my alarm beeps obnoxiously. My face is sticky and my eyes feel sore. I was probably crying again. My moist pillow confirms my belief. I yawn, glancing around my mess of a room. It's not as bad as it was a few months ago, since Clare started helping me clean it, but it's still pretty disgusting.

My phone rings. The screen flashes Clare's name and I smile.

"Hello?" I answer.

"Morning, sunshine," says Clare in her usual bubbly tone of voice.

"Good morning to you, too," I respond playfully.

"So how'd you sleep, Eli? Any interesting dreams?"

Flashes of the dream rush past me and I close my eyes, trying to block them out. After a short pause, I answer, "Nah, nothing. I slept like a baby."

* * *

Just a little something I threw together. I was bored and haven't written anything in a while. Comments and criticisms are highly appreciated! :D


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